We had just finished celebrating Mother’s Day when it occurred to me there is a fundamental difference in our society between mothers and fathers when it comes to our children. For the most part, mothers are more accepting of their children with all the irregularities they bring into the world. Fathers, on the other hand, harbor grand expectations for their children, especially their sons. I’m sure this comes as no surprise to many families.

How many fathers—whether they were athletic or not as boys—want their sons to be the high school’s all-star quarterback or the next Michael Jordan? Many a successful surgeon or other medical practitioner automatically assumes those same genes are handed down to the firstborn son. The same goes for corporate CEO’s, policemen, firefighters…the list goes on and on.

So, what happens to these grand expectations, blue sky dreams and high hopes when the child is born with a cognitive disability such as autism? There are obvious disabilities that are plainly evident and easily addressed. But autism presents a challenge to parents because it is hard to diagnose and has many unique characteristics playing out differently in each child.

 

Autism Spectrum Disorder is often a wild roller coaster with some children having profound difficulties in speech and expression early in life and overcoming it as adults; to others cruising through elementary and high school only to abruptly crash after graduation. Because of their high expectations, fathers, especially, may miss the early signs. Or they simply go into denial, sometimes for a long time.

Randy Lewis, author of “No Greatness Without Goodness,” talked about dealing with these high hopes after learning early on that his son was autistic. To paraphrase, Lewis said the boy he had envisioned pre-birth had to die so that he could embrace the son he had with all that he is.

How many fathers fail to do this? Instead, they keep trying to mold and ­- in their minds– improve on the person God created. We have to accept them and love them for the persons they are. Lewis’ statement reminded me of how self-centered man can be, making up for his failings by forcing wrong-minded expectations on his son or daughter.

Here’s something I hope may help some parents out there. My youngest son with Asperger’s Syndrome (today’s High-functioning autism diagnosis) was a high school honors student who in his freshman year, never missed a day of school. He also worked part-time as a dishwasher and server at a local restaurant. I had high hopes for him when he crossed that stage and collected his high school diploma.

Scott’s life took a drastic turn when my wife and I moved out of state with Scott in his early 20s. Scott developed depression, anxiety and other mental maladies, making living at home difficult for all of us.

It took some time and various incidents with hospitals and police, but I finally changed my view of my son. In the back of my mind, he is my son. But in the part of my mind I use every day to cope with life, Scott became “this person I live with who happens to be my son.” This mindset has helped me to better serve and nurture Scott.

I hope this helps the many fathers out there struggling with their sons and what they see as fallen expectations.

P.S. Happy Father’s Day!