There is a condition of the mind referred to as “learned helplessness” that is more prevalent in autistic children or adults. It is caused by traumatic experiences which over time, cause someone to complain or give up when facing a challenging situation. It’s more prevalent in autistic children because often they’re more exposed to emotional trauma through bullying at school. They also tend to hyper-focus on things, especially their emotional triggers, because of how they’re neurologically wired. This sets them up for learned helplessness.

While this is the standard accepted definition of learned helplessness, there is another and I think more common learned helplessness that occurs all the time within families with autistic kids.

So often I’ve seen a parent (mostly mothers) coddling or taking control of their child when a challenge or new thing arises. In meeting with a teacher, job coach or case worker, they speak for the child. Instead of prompting their son through a task or chore, they lose patience and do it themselves. They hold back from trying anything new, even when it’s been proven safe, because they’ll say “they’re so vulnerable!”

What does all this doing for them, wrapping a blanket of protection over them, do to their growth and self-esteem? I know that being a parent of an autistic child is very challenging and emotionally draining. It takes a lot of work and thinking way outside your box. It challenges a marriage. Recent studies have shown there is a slightly higher (10 percent) chance of divorce in families with an ASD child than families without.

However, studies from the University of Wisconsin show that marriages that survive the first several years when the child is young, grow stronger until there is virtually no difference in the divorce rate when the child reaches adulthood.

The reward or silver lining in being a parent of an autistic child is witnessing some beautiful (or shall we say interesting) moments when they say the totally unexpected thing or show instant recall of a minute memory from the past. For example, my son, who I never thought could sing, turned into a standout performer at his school’s Christmas concert. In 8th grade, he stood up and gave a faith affirmation speech that astounded those in church.

But back to this learned helplessness thing.

In the book, The Loving Push, co-authored by Temple Grandin and psychologist Debra Moore, learned helpless is studied along with many other factors in raising an autistic child. The book’s subtitle says it all: “How parents and professionals can help spectrum kids become successful adults.”

I recommend this short book to all parents, especially parents of young teens. As a job coach of adults with autism and intellectual disabilities, I’ve seen how hampered many are when they reach adulthood and need to face the real world of work. If parents could be more pro-active, properly address negative thinking and stop coddling their child when they’re young, it would prepare them up for success as adults.

Here are some recommendations based on my experience and the book for parents/caregivers of an ASD child: (Note that these could also help neurotypical children).

We all know that praising your child when you see them doing something good reinforces their self-esteem and combats negativity. But if your child has autism, remember to be specific in your praise. Avoid a general comment like “you’re a great kid, thanks for doing that.” Instead, be specific in pointing out exactly what they did right and why you appreciate it.

Be especially patient. Give them time to formulate their response when someone asks a question. Don’t talk for them, especially in public. Give a prompt like nodding your head toward the person asking the question or discreetly pointing your finger. In meeting with a teacher or other professional, just say “I can’t talk for you” when they look at you.

When there is a situation or environment that seems to overwhelm your child and cause him to think he can’t do something, think of a way to demonstrate how his thinking may be wrong because of feelings or false perceptions. Temple Grandin had an example of a woman who was afraid to go into certain stores to purchase things and thought she could never go shopping for herself. They saw a newspaper stand nearby and the woman wanted to know the day’s news. Temple said she should go up to buy a newspaper. The woman did so successfully. Temple congratulated her and proved her thinking was wrong and she could in fact go shopping on her own.

We need to be ready to prevent the attitudes of permanence and pervasiveness that often attack an autistic mind and lead to negative thinking. If not stopped, negative thinking leads to depression.

With permanence, they think that one isolated bad experience is now permanent while any good experience is temporary. We need to show them with concrete examples from our own experience, where not passing your road test on the first attempt does not mean you will “never” drive a car. When something goes right, celebrate their success and remind them of their previous triumphs.

Somewhat similar to the above faulty thinking is pervasiveness. This is where they have difficulty with one task and think they’ll have the same problem with all tasks. Optimistic people will automatically dismiss the failure and not blame themselves for it happening. Autistic kids struggle more with this because they can’t see the big picture in their lives and have a narrower focus than other people. Parents have to show them the one bad experience is just one bad experience and they need to move on.

One final thought is for anyone who has autism or might think they’re on the spectrum. Read The Loving Push or other books by Temple Grandin. Although these books are directed toward parents of autistic children, they will help you to personally understand yourself and hopefully, get a hold of your life.